April 09, 2016 Orlando, FL at Soul Quest Church of Mother Earth with Chris Young.
Ayahuasca, Meeting my Spiritual Grandmother. (The first of two nights).
I felt stuck in all my energy clearing and healing, and knew my spiritual awakening was calling for more, but didn’t know what that more was.
Then about a year ago, I heard about Ayahuasca and everything I researched about it, scared the crap out of me. Ayahuasca is an Amazonian plant mixture that is capable of inducing altered states of consciousness, usually lasting between 4 to 8 hours after ingestion.
I kept saying, for intentional manifestation purposes, I’m going to Peru for this experience but life had other avenues. Then, a week ago, when my daughter reminded me of “maybe an Ayahuasca camping trip” in Orlando, while visiting her in Tampa FL, I wasn’t going to wait, and heard that loud annoying YouTube voice yell out, “Just Do it!”
I knew it would be profound and heard enough about it to know once the “medicine to heal” was taken, you get to face you, and all the fear that holds you back, so you could live a life free of fear and know, we are all one. Or, so I perceived from my own research.
I felt confident enough not to be too afraid of the snake that might show up, and if he or she does, just let go of the fear. I was ready, although feeling very hungry after being on a special “very light diet” for a week before, as per recommendations, and told even afterwards, remain on a light diet.
We were each assigned a mattress against a wall for our pillows and blankets and waited for more participants to arrive. We sat around chatting, and watched the film crew and facilitators set up the sacred ceremony circle of chairs around a fire pit, with a table set up with all sorts of, salt crystal lamps, sacred water, incense, sages, crystals, feathers, drums, medicine, even bug spray for the commencement to start at 9 pm.
We were told no food after 3 pm, so many of us dreamed of pizza and hamburgers, while we stood out as virgins, compared to the handful calm and experienced, loving, vegan individuals, eager to answer any questions, smiling at us as if they know something we don’t.
Shortly before 9 pm, we were each assigned a purge bucket and paper towels. My daughter and I looked at each other and I’m thinking. “No, I’ll be okay, no throwing up for me. I faced most of my demons already. I know how to face my fear.” Plus, throwing up is the worst thing ever for me! I would rather die than throw up!
Everyone got up and moved their chairs around the fire in a perfect circle. The possibilities, the housekeeping rules, the encouragements, the physical support from many facilitators, the clearing ceremony, and procedure were clearly discussed, even more so because there’s a film crew, filming two PTSD veterans, who volunteered to be documented, while facing this monster, for a documentary on the miracle cure, of this special mixture of plants by Shamans, who for at least two millennia, healed people from all sorts of diseases.
The two veterans were given Sananga, which is a very powerful sacred eye medicine, made from a shrub called “Apocynaceae” from the Amazon jungle. We were told, its on a volunteer basis, as it stings like hell, and could be very painful for awhile but it will enhance you Ayahuasca experience. Of course, I was the first female to volunteer, and boy, the sting was intense but immediately, I felt this pressure at the back of my head. Not even thinking about what I just did.
Patiently, we all waited and watched a beautiful spiritual cleansing ritual before we each had our own sacred ceremony to place a clear intent into the plant before digesting it, of what we want to experience or, at least. our own reason for do this.
Mine was to let go of all my fears holding me back, and to open my heart to love again.
My daughter’s intent was to find her intent. There were altogether about 31 participants, and I was roughly about seven to last, so I watched every move the first participants were making, for any signs of throwing up, or strange movements, but they were all very quiet respecting the sacred ceremony.
The liquid was thick, with a hint of licorice but it went down smoothly, and I sat down again with no effort. Five minutes later, (faster for me because of the added enhancement). I stared down at my feet and saw the ground started moving, showing me it’s beautiful patterns, then suddenly, I saw her coming up towards, me like tiny colorful snakes dancing with the beautiful music in the background’s rhythm, as if in unison with all that is, wanting to climb up to meet me, while ever moving forward wanting to become one with me.
Quickly, and shocked, I looked up, too afraid of it entering me, and then I would see the trees dance like tall beautiful light beings showing me their beauty coming towards me to embrace me but again, I would close my eyes thinking, “No, I can’t let you come into me!” Beginning to fear, thinking, “OMG, what did I do!” Closing my eyes tightly, already wishing for it to stop!
To be immediately swept up into a canvas of all colors dancing like tiny colorful, not realistic snakes, or tentacles of a big something which is pure rhythm, and joy in a big, big vast room in my head. I felt my fear go! Fascinated my the intense movement of it all!
Yet, scared, yes very scared of the nausea overwhelming me, and of the movement in my head, I would quickly open my eyes again, to not focus on the intense pain in my heart, to see a kaleidoscope of colors everywhere coming together. I would look at the people and see them as a color. Some, I see as a transparent misty cloud, others a light blue, a yellow, a green. Then when I pull back, I see all as one again with the trees, the sand, the sky, the Earth, as one big kaleidoscope, all connected as one, yet all their own kaleidoscope of exquisite colors coming together, each fitting into each other, as by perfect design.
Then, I threw up. Yes, one of the first to purge. At first I wanted to run away because of this sudden pain in my heart. The sharp pain deep within my heart started almost immediately, and just progressed, to a most excruciating pain. I felt, and witnessed the universe moving forward in symmetrical patterns, not standing still, or moving backwards, but clearly ONLY moving forward. Even in my state of nausea, I thought it was weird, awesome, and understandable, all at the same time, and kept looking back to see if my clever observation was real. It was real! Only forward movement. I was impressed!
I couldn’t move or get up. Was sitting forward, almost as if wanting to get to a fetal position but the chair wouldn’t allow it, as I felt the slightest movement will toss me off it, rolling onto those dancing snakes. I just couldn’t allow that!
My body was gone. It was one with the kaleidoscope of colors. I was no more! But, I needed to go lie down and remembered that we weren’t allowed to leave the circle for at least 30 minutes, but eventually, I signaled for someone to take me to my mattress. I just had to lay down. Get into my fetal position. As tightly curled up as I can, to feel my head touch my legs, to make sure I was still a body, a human with legs but most of all, to protect my heart from the pain, my mind from the dancing snakes, and my stomach from the intense nausea.
I clung to the walking angel’s arm, as she led me to my mattress, while feeling her arm becoming one with mine. I looked at our arms meeting and it was melting together, causing my stomach to protest. I left her arm to get me back, and crawled onto my mattress, cursing myself for being so brave to do something so stupid.
This was where I closed my eyes, begging for the pain in my heart to stop, praying for this nightmare to be over. I felt myself go to Source where it was quiet, serene, filled with nothingness. I wanted to stay forever! Then, as if in a movie, I saw myself in different realities, and I kept asking, which one is real? “Is it this one?”
“No, is it this one?” Over and over, I would go to another and be another, feeling, observing, laughing, crying, loving, until I could not tell where is me! Which one is my NOW! I felt the intense pain in my heart with a panic welling up because I couldn’t find the REAL.
Then, I heard this “grandmother” tell me to go where the nausea is because that is the NOW I was searching for. I asked, “Are you my grandmother?” She said, I am everyone’s grandmother, and would yell at me to go back! Her love, her authority, her calm, her strength, her teaching all became clear to me, yet I was protesting her being there.
“Go where the nausea is,” she would yell over and over! And I would mumble in my head, “No, I’m not going back there, that’s where the pain is and the nausea…” And she came closer, and closer although staying far away, so I could not see her. “You must go back!”
I did, and searched for the physical, as if to make sure I can get back to the “REAL” reality or the “NOW.”
I would look at my hands and see nothing, yet I knew it was there. I would look up towards the sky and see this beautiful lotus flower and within it, I saw a male, female and a child in the center, swaying, dancing, twirling, non stop as if that is all they know.
I remember that I saw so many personal questions answered in images in the sky drawn just for me. Each thing I asked for would be shown to me but I kept holding the purging back although I felt my stomach was protesting begging to be emptied, top and bottom, and that heart ache, that awful pain, would just not leave.
I kept yelling within, “Please take this pain away from me!” and I would hear her say, “You must die first,” and I would ask “How?”
She would say, “To love again,” and I would yell, “How?” And she would say, “Let go!” I would say, “No it’s okay, I can deal with this,” and she left saying, “Okay…” as she turned her back to me and walked away.
Suddenly, I felt everything leave me. I could sit up, talk to others and thought, yes, finally this nightmare is over. After briefly talking to others and making sure my daughter is okay, I laid down to go to sleep, back in my fetus potion, to still the nausea. I knew I could not dare to walk. I closed my eyes and she was back saying, “Are you ready to let go?” I said, “I can deal with this but I’m not getting up, to throw up.” I rocked back and forth, and allowed all that was shown to me accepting not rejecting. So much wisdom over knowledge with snakes dancing, colors bursting, pain screaming.
It was 7 hours later when I heard her say over and over, “Get up and go get rid of it all.” I said, “I can’t because I can’t walk on a moving Earth, besides it makes me want to throw up more,” and she said, “Yes, I’m helping you to get rid of it all!” I said, “I HATE throwing up!” She said, “Go get rid of it all!”
I finally knew that’s her meaning of “let go” and I signaled for a facilitator who were so compassionate, so willing to hold my hair, to walk and talk to me, while I was whispering about the strange patterns of the floor constantly moving forward. Who allowed me to cry with no judgement. For me, they were like walking angels, who were everywhere, at the slightest movement anyone made. One guy started laughing uncontrollably. I started to laugh with him but soon they asked him to laugh quietly in respect of others going through this terrible or amazing experience in their own personal battle with self.
I could barely walk to the restroom and then the diarrhea started. It felt like my insides were purging to turn me into nothing. When I got up again, I barely made it back and I began to throw up again, hugging, and loving my bucket who waited patiently for me but nothing came from my stomach. It all came from my heart.
After this, I felt empty and I could not fall asleep again. I was lying there in the stillness of seeing all, knowing all was shown to me according to my intent. I said to myself over and over, “I can’t do this again tomorrow night. No way!” When dawn came and people started to share their awakenings, everyone said the next one will be less painful. I was thinking. I am done! I am not doing this again!
The picture shown is the closest I could find that depict my own experience, which I felt the artist from Brazil, so beautifully recreated just for me.
Part two coming soon…